Thursday, July 12, 2007


Okay I have posted this twice on my blog. I will post it here. This was done in January of 2006. So its been quite a while. I have put many of my feelings well into perspective. I won't lie. I was angry and hurt. Again, I don't know if this is even true. I don't know without a doubt that she was contacted. I don't know what promises were made to her on my behalf. So keep all of this in mind when reading this. If this is true, I am no longer angry but hurt yes. It is always that way with an adoptee. I no longer have expectations from anyone in this thing. The only thing that I want is that adoption agencies, the state, and the attorneys to stay the heck out of my relationships with my family members.

This was written down by Catrina, my adoption search specialist. She spoke to her and I didn't.She's been raised by another family all of her life.I always wondered if I would get a call like this some day.I have a family and they don't know.Its not a lack of concern. What I did was the best thing I could do.There's no reason to tear my family apart. I don't think its selfish of me.I have to think about my family.My husband knows but my kids don't. But we have never talked about it over the years.I just don't think its a good idea. She's old enough now and mature enough to deal with this. She has her own family. She has a good family.As much as my curiosity is peaked, this would be too disruptive. I don't want to have to tell my kids.This girl already has parents.My youngest son is an athlete and a medical student. He was a valedictorian. Both my boys are extremely intelligent.I'm glad she is doing well. I think I did the right thing.I always wonder, I always think about her. It is not a lack of concern. But i have to balance that with concern for my kids and how this would affect them. My husband would have a fit.She has a family. Biology is just an accident. I don't think this is a good idea.I guess I could talk to my husband about this. No, I'm not doing this. I am not going to open all of this up.MEDICAL:Her dad died at age 82 from pneumonia.Her mom is still alive but suffers from kidney failure as a result of her arthritis medicine. She also has high blood pressure.Birthmother has high cholesterol and takes meds for it. She began taking the meds in 1999.Her sibs and her children are all in good health.HER CALL BACK TO THE AGENCY:Birthmom called again. She said:How confidential is all of this. Is she going to come knocking on my door?This is just too painful. This was 40 years ago, excuse me!Its too late. I thought about getting her letter but it is just too painful.It was painful to begin with. It took me 3-4 years to get my life straightened back out. It was not a fun experience. I don't want to revisit it.I'm sad in a way. I am not being calloused.It would be too difficult to bring her into my life. It would be too painful to my family. They might accept it but why even go through all of that?It would bring a lot of grief.I never heard from the father ever again. He never paid any of my expenses. He took advantage of me and then walked away. I was a big fool. I know he wanted to raise the baby but that would have never worked out. He lived in the same town as my parents. I think he is probably dead. I tried looking for him once and couldn't find him. He must be dead.My parents were always concerned with their public image, not their private one.My dad was a terrible man. He was selfish and evil and did things I can't even talk about. My husband doesn't even want our sons to know what he did. He was physically abusive and other things.My mom was a mouse around my dad. My mom believed every word he said and he never had anything good to say about any of us.I have only been able to put all of that behind me since my dad died and now this has dredged all of this new stuff up.I do her housework, yard work, and get her to the doctors. We have to go to the cemetery 6 times a year. I choke on it, but I go. She lives alone. My brothers want her to be able to stay out of a nursing home as long as possible.I'm deciding I am not going to do this and I won't change my mind. Curiosity is not good enough reason to tear my family apart. What would be the point of me getting that letter except to make me cry.I did the right thing. I couldn't take care of a baby and my folks would not help me.I can't think of any more medical information for her. There are no genetic disorders. My mom has osteoporosis, but I don't. But, I exercise and eat right to stay healthy. I am allergic to cats and seafood.Tell her I am sorry. I am glad she's fine but I can't do this.I should hang up, I'm rambling.My biggest concern right now is can I keep this out of my life. How can I be sure she won't hire a private investigator and show up some day. I don't want to tell the boys. I know they are her half brothers but I am not going to tell them. I haven't told my husband that you called. I am not going to. I don't need to turn their lives upside down. I could give them a choice but they don't need to have this choice. They don't need to know every mistake their mother has made. They think I am this good person.I just wanted to make sure that this would stay private. I don't want to have to sit my husband down and say this girl has found me.It is a comfort to know she is okay.There wasn't anything else I could do. My parents kicked all of us out of the house at one time or another. I was on a real downer back then. I don't know what I was thinking. I dropped out of college.I have a lot of baggage and I don't want to deal with it. My dad did horrible things. That I can't talk about. I don't want to dredge this all up. Since dad has been dead I have shut the door on it. I have been a nervous wreck since you called me.

I know this is a hard read for many people, adoptees, natural parents, and adoptive parents. I want it understood that I met someone whose lack of reunion had the same kind of story line and same wording. So I don't know if any of this is truthful.

1 comment:

Doug Something said...

all I keep feeling from this is a person bent on protecting a lie...a person who even uses the excuse "how would my family think of me"

and while mentioning a passive concern for their own emotional well-being being jeopardized by the truth, the true colors come shining through and it all boils down to her and how this affects her...with no regard to the person she created only a regard to "what would my family think of ME"

the proverbial straw would be her seemingly making a decision best reserved for her children as to wether or not THEY have a right to know....not a far cry from the attitude of these Homes and the attorneys in adoptions

when will folks realize that they have no place deciding what others have a right to know about?

I can`t begin to understand what guilt she may live with nor can I judge her as a person by what was written and how she chooses to deal...but while she makes these choices as how it is to be dealt with, she has affectively and arrogantly made those very same choices for all other parties involved including her own family.

I have a friend in the same situation...she discovered a brother she had that her mother placed for adoption at birth and was lied to for years and told he was stilborn....her mother continues to lie to her and try and cover the truth, unfortunately, it has severely damaged the relationship she has with her mother and I would hazard a guess that when this person`s current family finds out that she kept this secret, for no matter what the reason she might uphold, it may only serve to damage that relationship all because she chose to keep them from the truth and not because they might think of her as "less than virtuous" because she bore a child out of wedlock and then had him/her adopted.

Lies and secrets destroy...but the truth enables one to heal and is much more forgiveable than to hold on to a lie and look your family in the eye every day knowing you lied to them all these years

I hope she has a change of heart....but she must forgive herself first in order for this to happen....and if her family does indeed love her unconditionally, then they will love her just the same after the truth comes to light.

just my humble opinion