I was in the Coleman Home in Indianapolis, In. I was 16 yrs old on the day my daughter was born. I was told--you're too young to love this baby--you WILL forget--IT will be called a bastard if you keep it--no decent man will marry you-- just forget it ever happened, don't speak of it again.
You're a slut and a bad girl and you have to give the baby up, you don't deserve her after what you did. She needs 2 parents--we guarantee they will be just perfect. Yes, I was brainwashed to believe all of this.
I should have had counseling and should have been able to make my own choice. I shouldn't have suffered all those years from the lies I was told. We were like breeding cattle, our feelings didn't matter. We were left alone to labor and were told, see what happened to you because of what you did. Then arms and legs strapped down and then knocked out so you wouldn't see the baby. I had to beg to even find out it was a girl. What a price to pay to go through the birth and not even see the baby. To be all alone and wonder if ashe was alright. To wonder and wonder and cry and cry, to suffer each birthday, to have such empty arms, to grow up over night and not be the girl you used to be. To wonder why you never forgot the way they told you you would.
ALL of us were lied to. No one should be ashamed. I think we were treated just one step below a murderer. We commeted the unpardonable sin. It took me years to overcome this. By talking to other Moms I finally found out we ARE good people who just made a mistake. I, however, have never heard from another Coleman Mom who has had the guts to stand up for herself now. I just can't imagine I am the only one. I am asking you to contact us on this site or email me at barnesm@rtcol.com .
I also asking Amy's mother to please stand up and be proud of your daughter, she wasn't a mistake, she is a beautiful person. Don't think any other children will be ashamed of you. What they would be is disapointed that you have lied to them all these years. She will find you one day for sure and if then you are gone you won't be able to tell your story to your family in your own words. Please acknowledge her and make her pain go away, you are denying yourself and your family so much!!
Coleman Moms, please speak up. don't let their brainwashing last all these years. We owe our children to know they were loved and where they came from. We need to TELL abt the hell we went thro. Giving us no choice and taking these babies from us and urging us to be ashamed and hide it from the world. Help us all to contact each other and talk about what we went through. I am hoping desparately to hear from any of you!! Janice Barnes
Showing posts with label reunion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reunion. Show all posts
Thursday, July 12, 2007
WHAT I GOT FROM THE AGENCY
Okay I have posted this twice on my blog. I will post it here. This was done in January of 2006. So its been quite a while. I have put many of my feelings well into perspective. I won't lie. I was angry and hurt. Again, I don't know if this is even true. I don't know without a doubt that she was contacted. I don't know what promises were made to her on my behalf. So keep all of this in mind when reading this. If this is true, I am no longer angry but hurt yes. It is always that way with an adoptee. I no longer have expectations from anyone in this thing. The only thing that I want is that adoption agencies, the state, and the attorneys to stay the heck out of my relationships with my family members.
This was written down by Catrina, my adoption search specialist. She spoke to her and I didn't.She's been raised by another family all of her life.I always wondered if I would get a call like this some day.I have a family and they don't know.Its not a lack of concern. What I did was the best thing I could do.There's no reason to tear my family apart. I don't think its selfish of me.I have to think about my family.My husband knows but my kids don't. But we have never talked about it over the years.I just don't think its a good idea. She's old enough now and mature enough to deal with this. She has her own family. She has a good family.As much as my curiosity is peaked, this would be too disruptive. I don't want to have to tell my kids.This girl already has parents.My youngest son is an athlete and a medical student. He was a valedictorian. Both my boys are extremely intelligent.I'm glad she is doing well. I think I did the right thing.I always wonder, I always think about her. It is not a lack of concern. But i have to balance that with concern for my kids and how this would affect them. My husband would have a fit.She has a family. Biology is just an accident. I don't think this is a good idea.I guess I could talk to my husband about this. No, I'm not doing this. I am not going to open all of this up.MEDICAL:Her dad died at age 82 from pneumonia.Her mom is still alive but suffers from kidney failure as a result of her arthritis medicine. She also has high blood pressure.Birthmother has high cholesterol and takes meds for it. She began taking the meds in 1999.Her sibs and her children are all in good health.HER CALL BACK TO THE AGENCY:Birthmom called again. She said:How confidential is all of this. Is she going to come knocking on my door?This is just too painful. This was 40 years ago, excuse me!Its too late. I thought about getting her letter but it is just too painful.It was painful to begin with. It took me 3-4 years to get my life straightened back out. It was not a fun experience. I don't want to revisit it.I'm sad in a way. I am not being calloused.It would be too difficult to bring her into my life. It would be too painful to my family. They might accept it but why even go through all of that?It would bring a lot of grief.I never heard from the father ever again. He never paid any of my expenses. He took advantage of me and then walked away. I was a big fool. I know he wanted to raise the baby but that would have never worked out. He lived in the same town as my parents. I think he is probably dead. I tried looking for him once and couldn't find him. He must be dead.My parents were always concerned with their public image, not their private one.My dad was a terrible man. He was selfish and evil and did things I can't even talk about. My husband doesn't even want our sons to know what he did. He was physically abusive and other things.My mom was a mouse around my dad. My mom believed every word he said and he never had anything good to say about any of us.I have only been able to put all of that behind me since my dad died and now this has dredged all of this new stuff up.I do her housework, yard work, and get her to the doctors. We have to go to the cemetery 6 times a year. I choke on it, but I go. She lives alone. My brothers want her to be able to stay out of a nursing home as long as possible.I'm deciding I am not going to do this and I won't change my mind. Curiosity is not good enough reason to tear my family apart. What would be the point of me getting that letter except to make me cry.I did the right thing. I couldn't take care of a baby and my folks would not help me.I can't think of any more medical information for her. There are no genetic disorders. My mom has osteoporosis, but I don't. But, I exercise and eat right to stay healthy. I am allergic to cats and seafood.Tell her I am sorry. I am glad she's fine but I can't do this.I should hang up, I'm rambling.My biggest concern right now is can I keep this out of my life. How can I be sure she won't hire a private investigator and show up some day. I don't want to tell the boys. I know they are her half brothers but I am not going to tell them. I haven't told my husband that you called. I am not going to. I don't need to turn their lives upside down. I could give them a choice but they don't need to have this choice. They don't need to know every mistake their mother has made. They think I am this good person.I just wanted to make sure that this would stay private. I don't want to have to sit my husband down and say this girl has found me.It is a comfort to know she is okay.There wasn't anything else I could do. My parents kicked all of us out of the house at one time or another. I was on a real downer back then. I don't know what I was thinking. I dropped out of college.I have a lot of baggage and I don't want to deal with it. My dad did horrible things. That I can't talk about. I don't want to dredge this all up. Since dad has been dead I have shut the door on it. I have been a nervous wreck since you called me.
I know this is a hard read for many people, adoptees, natural parents, and adoptive parents. I want it understood that I met someone whose lack of reunion had the same kind of story line and same wording. So I don't know if any of this is truthful.
This was written down by Catrina, my adoption search specialist. She spoke to her and I didn't.She's been raised by another family all of her life.I always wondered if I would get a call like this some day.I have a family and they don't know.Its not a lack of concern. What I did was the best thing I could do.There's no reason to tear my family apart. I don't think its selfish of me.I have to think about my family.My husband knows but my kids don't. But we have never talked about it over the years.I just don't think its a good idea. She's old enough now and mature enough to deal with this. She has her own family. She has a good family.As much as my curiosity is peaked, this would be too disruptive. I don't want to have to tell my kids.This girl already has parents.My youngest son is an athlete and a medical student. He was a valedictorian. Both my boys are extremely intelligent.I'm glad she is doing well. I think I did the right thing.I always wonder, I always think about her. It is not a lack of concern. But i have to balance that with concern for my kids and how this would affect them. My husband would have a fit.She has a family. Biology is just an accident. I don't think this is a good idea.I guess I could talk to my husband about this. No, I'm not doing this. I am not going to open all of this up.MEDICAL:Her dad died at age 82 from pneumonia.Her mom is still alive but suffers from kidney failure as a result of her arthritis medicine. She also has high blood pressure.Birthmother has high cholesterol and takes meds for it. She began taking the meds in 1999.Her sibs and her children are all in good health.HER CALL BACK TO THE AGENCY:Birthmom called again. She said:How confidential is all of this. Is she going to come knocking on my door?This is just too painful. This was 40 years ago, excuse me!Its too late. I thought about getting her letter but it is just too painful.It was painful to begin with. It took me 3-4 years to get my life straightened back out. It was not a fun experience. I don't want to revisit it.I'm sad in a way. I am not being calloused.It would be too difficult to bring her into my life. It would be too painful to my family. They might accept it but why even go through all of that?It would bring a lot of grief.I never heard from the father ever again. He never paid any of my expenses. He took advantage of me and then walked away. I was a big fool. I know he wanted to raise the baby but that would have never worked out. He lived in the same town as my parents. I think he is probably dead. I tried looking for him once and couldn't find him. He must be dead.My parents were always concerned with their public image, not their private one.My dad was a terrible man. He was selfish and evil and did things I can't even talk about. My husband doesn't even want our sons to know what he did. He was physically abusive and other things.My mom was a mouse around my dad. My mom believed every word he said and he never had anything good to say about any of us.I have only been able to put all of that behind me since my dad died and now this has dredged all of this new stuff up.I do her housework, yard work, and get her to the doctors. We have to go to the cemetery 6 times a year. I choke on it, but I go. She lives alone. My brothers want her to be able to stay out of a nursing home as long as possible.I'm deciding I am not going to do this and I won't change my mind. Curiosity is not good enough reason to tear my family apart. What would be the point of me getting that letter except to make me cry.I did the right thing. I couldn't take care of a baby and my folks would not help me.I can't think of any more medical information for her. There are no genetic disorders. My mom has osteoporosis, but I don't. But, I exercise and eat right to stay healthy. I am allergic to cats and seafood.Tell her I am sorry. I am glad she's fine but I can't do this.I should hang up, I'm rambling.My biggest concern right now is can I keep this out of my life. How can I be sure she won't hire a private investigator and show up some day. I don't want to tell the boys. I know they are her half brothers but I am not going to tell them. I haven't told my husband that you called. I am not going to. I don't need to turn their lives upside down. I could give them a choice but they don't need to have this choice. They don't need to know every mistake their mother has made. They think I am this good person.I just wanted to make sure that this would stay private. I don't want to have to sit my husband down and say this girl has found me.It is a comfort to know she is okay.There wasn't anything else I could do. My parents kicked all of us out of the house at one time or another. I was on a real downer back then. I don't know what I was thinking. I dropped out of college.I have a lot of baggage and I don't want to deal with it. My dad did horrible things. That I can't talk about. I don't want to dredge this all up. Since dad has been dead I have shut the door on it. I have been a nervous wreck since you called me.
I know this is a hard read for many people, adoptees, natural parents, and adoptive parents. I want it understood that I met someone whose lack of reunion had the same kind of story line and same wording. So I don't know if any of this is truthful.
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